Passing Time with the Past

The past, has a way of coming back to you ever so often - for me, its every waking moment. I find it peculiar that the mere mention of the past, and forgetting the past - always reminds people of a horrid past, or unmemorable times they've had in their life history. Seldom do we talk and perceive the past, as being really really good - and perhaps, that's just it, its soooooooo much easier to look back on all past negatives and regrets - and to forsake even the littlest of good that we've had, or to forgo the idea that some of the things that happened to us, those negative things happened for reasons that work to our good in the end.

For some reason, I seem to classify my past into my schooling phases; i.e. kindy, primary, secondary, college, university - and for some reason, albeit the many experiences that may happen within those phases of life, I can't help but summarize them into a single nutshell for every phase of my schooling life.

Kindy and Primary, were probably the best years of my life. Back then, life was carefree. I was a lot braver then, not thinking too much about things - and just doing it, saying it and believing that I could do absolutely anything and be absolutely anything I was proud that sketching and colouring were my fortes, that I could run fast for a pin-sized Chinese girl, or that I was (in fact) a lot more relaxed about doing exceptionally well at school ( I was under-averaging). I was quiet then, and to some extent when I look back, I turned a cheek to a lot of the taunting that happened at school. They didn't affect me, and I almost didn't care if honesty got me into trouble. I didn't care if girls were mean, and I didn't care if I was less girly than others.

In Secondary, I took my studies to a whole new level. My 5 years in school were mostly spent just trying to keep myself busy excelling ( or as my neurotic side should put it, from averaging ). It got too stressful every time a major exam came around. Funnily enough, I seldom did homework. I only studied. Unfortunately, to put secondary into a nutshell, school really sucked for me. The Secondary phase was full of peer pressures, and social rejections - as I should dramatically and fittingly put it. I daresay that hurt from a friendship with one particular person has deeply affected me to the point where I've decided that maybe all I can do is forgive - and literally move on ( and away ) from this person. I am thankful however, in the midst of all that secondary school yuck, God's been able to orchestrate 2 wonderful girls into the picture, and they continue to walk this life with me till this day.

College, was alright. College taught me important, and hard-hitting lessons. I learnt my secondary school ways were not as applicable, homework is a must for learning, and most importantly - doing things out of disobedience or pride, were probably bad moves for absolutely anything. I had a hard time, I took up a responsibility without counting the costs involved, I was lazy and worst off - I started to question everything. I slowed down with my sense of purpose, and after a long time of just doing - I started asking the why's behind the things I do, and not finding that satisfactory non-eternal answer. If I'm not making sense, well just ask yourself for example "why do we need to learn from our past and become better people, i mean we'll screw up again sometime later, won't we? where are we heading towards? it sounds like infinity"

Well I guess those questioning times were put to good use. God's been able to provide answers thanks to those questions. From then on, I had a newer and better sense of purpose in the facet of Christ and eternity.

Moving on. University - at least for my 3 years, have been a struggle in a lot of respect. The stress of not meeting deadlines, and just the thought of giving a presentation over unsatisfactory work were overwhelming. All nighters happened so many times, and they always riddle me with the guilt of being too last minute, or to slow at work to avoid sleep deprivation. Gah. University was good in some respect, and its really got a lot to do with having independence away from home. I don't believe these things are a burden as much now that I have to cook, do my own laundry while studying - and if ever, I have a better sense of control now that I've mastered these things. I learn that I should never let someone do the things that I myself can do, and so if my mom has to do my laundry or cook for me - I feel that its almost criminal to let her do them.

Aside from the petty calms at University, ever so often - I'm reminded of the many many many bad choices that I've made through out my 3 years here. I definitely could have been kinder and more patient with people instead of jumping on them for things said or done - but yes, now that I know how wrong I am - I have to change.

If you've actually had the patience to read through the above essay - well done. Very rarely do I ever have an inclination to blog - and this post has been something I felt worthy of telling people. I guess I have been thinking a lot about the past - and I would like for people to know that I have not been jumping from one silver spoon to another. I've had my roughs, but I've never had the inclination to talk about them in such detail, until now.

I have been all sorts. I am sometimes intelligent, and sometimes I make the most idiotic mistakes one should make. I thought I was patient, but man how wrong I was to underestimate how much my blood can boil under irritation, I love and I hate all at the same time - it gets so confusing at times.

But ah well, I guess we all have colourful, fluctuating life graphs. Never stagnant for any reason - so that maybe we can come to a point where we look back and realize all the things we learn, and who we've become from those good and sometimes hard-hit lessons.

A Potential Bone Marrow Donor...

Janet Liang is looking for a bone marrow match.

I needed to pen this down, due to the sense of urgency this has left me with. As recent as last month, I discovered the plight of Janet Liang. Janet is a 25 year old Asian American whom is suffering from a case of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. She is looking for a bone marrow match among Asians in the USA and across the world ( including China, Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia and even in Australia )

Ever since I've read of her plea and plight calling for more Asian donors to step out and register with their respective local bone marrow registries - I can't help but sense the urgency behind them.

Imagine having about 3 months to find the perfect match. The odds are high, as only 1 in about 20 000 bone marrow donor volunteers can possibly match your tissue type - and the number of registrants in the USA that have arose from her vigorous campaigning stands at 15,239 donors.

Janet is Asian American ( and Chinese to be specific ). This matters greatly - as bone marrow matches are highly influenced by ethnicity and thus it is highly likely that Janet's donor match is a Chinese or even part Chinese and may come come from any part of the world as long as they share her ethnicity.

I felt compelled and immediately moved, so I booked an appointment with the Australian Red Cross in high hopes of becoming a blood donor and a bone marrow donor. I wasn't confident I was most definitely a match for her - but I definitely saw it as the least I could do. It was very difficult to let go of the news of her need.

After a visit to the Australian Red Cross today in Adelaide - I was met with the unfortunate circumstance of being unable to proceed with my donation. I had just recently returned to Australia from Malaysia, and Malaysia currently holds a "Malaria is present and pertinent" status quo. That said - I will have to wait till June to be able to be officially cleared off my predicament and to proceed with donating my blood and registering as a bone marrow donor.

June, is the deadline - I am compelled to do more than feel sorry that I couldn't register. I'm putting my trust in God to let His plans take root in Australia, and to let Janet Liang's plea thrive in Australia to the point that more Asians here will step out and register as potential bone marrow donors.

For more information, do check out the official Helping Janet website: http://helpingjanet.com/ and know that somewhere between the lines of her pleas and plights - you can do something about it wherever you are in the world.

I'm a Malaysian. I'm of Chinese descent and I now live in Australia. I will do something about it.

O'Week.

A fruitful week indeed. February jet started quite smoothly. My student visas are settled, my room and house in Adelaide is still well kept, and I'm still keeping my cool :)

On top of that, just coming back about 2 weeks earlier has helped me settle into a consistent routine that I seem to have no reason to complain about. I decided to abstain from afternoon naps, as they make me lethargic and lazy enough to skip homework.

...and the icing on the cake? I probably did a couple of stuff in these 2 weeks of which I have never been able to do for the past 3 years. I gave a speech in front of a student body about surviving University, signed ( like seriously actually pen my name down ) for a sports body at Uni, and actually showed up for practice today - and I'm secretly proud of myself that I didn't sign up for the more familiar ( and more stereotypical Asian sporting bodies like badminton and table tennis which are the two sorta sports that I'm comfortable with ) but actually put myself out there for soccer and ultimate frisbee.

...but then again, this post isn't about how well i'm fairing - but rather how much putting myself out there has revealed all the limitations that I have, and have never dealt with for a long time. For instance, in ANY game - to have someone on your team to pass the ball to you, you would then have to strike yourself as someone trusted and confident enough to pass the ball on. I don't have that sorta confidence just yet to say that I'm ABLE and CONFIDENT - but competitive sports definitely have a way of tapping into that hidden potential in each of us :)

More hopeful weeks ahead as I head into 4th year, I hope :)

Back to blogging?

Dear stumblers,

Yep, you read right. I wonder if anyone's ever tried their luck searching for this blog. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you would have known that I have taken a hiatus on blogging or rather - I have again and again, evaded from publishing my posts.

At some point of time, I felt that having this blog as being pointless. Upon hindsight, I always sensed that my posts reflect a more optimistic and a more hopeful perspective of life, amidst my on going struggles.

Don't get me wrong, optimism is good. Hope, is great but I sensed that sometimes I was trying too hard to have a positive outlook of life, battling between rambling over life's discontents and being thankful all the same for some of the things that I should be thankful for.

I started to question the value of my writing, whether I was always writing to please myself or to give some random stranger the thrill ( and sometimes torture ) of reading my writing. If I wanted to write just for leisure's sake, surely there's nothing with that either.

Why all the questions then?

I believe that the prospect of eternity has a large part to play. Believing in Christ, I started questioning if everything I was doing - everything, including this blog did any good in the facet of eternity, where only that of which matters actually lasts.

God is creative. He uses various persons, circumstances, situations so that His love be made known - and while I spent most of my life believing that I needed only and solely to endure for the love of Christ, at some point of time I too have forsaken God's creativity and His ability to use our enjoyment and joy for His purpose.

Does this blog then serve His purpose?

I don't know for sure, but I do know that it potentially can.

So, here's to the start of a new chapter - where I do hope to return to my love for words and writing.

Purpose Driven Life.

Life can be quite a clutter. For me, the state of my room - the sheer messiness is probably a good reflection of how I feel on the inside. Messy.

For the past year, I find myself incredibly confused. That, I'd say is probably the reason for the messiness.

Why confused? I truly believe its because I seem to be wavering between the things that are important in the face of eternity, and the things that matter now.

While it seemed that I have lessen the workload, focusing on fewer but equally important matters like performing well at my studies, attending life group meetings for the first time, and catching up with people only when I can afford to - I find myself not doing enough, or at least feeling as though I'm not doing enough.

Seeds of doubt bear their roots, and I find myself confused once again with how I'm fairing in my race to eternity.

That's where the problem lies - myself. I constantly require immediate gratification, maybe not an explicit "Congratulations or Thank You" but some sorta assurance that I was doing the right thing, and more often that not - when the fruit takes a while to ripen, I become discouraged. I quit and start anew with something or somewhere else.

I love it how one of the councilors at university openly declares "we are all work in progress" in her speech.

I am a work in progress, a broken jar of clay of which God can use to His purpose. He shapes me so that what people see is the Light that's within me. It is by grace that I can be made, and reshaped to His purpose - and for that very reason, if in any way I have hurt others ( you? ) in my brokeness - I pray that you can forgive me and see me as a work in progress, and if every - may the Light that's within me give light to you.

Blog Revamp?

I've undertaken so many changes to the name of my blog, the main picture and the template - tweaking ever so often, but never ever mentioning a need for change. Now is time for change, perhaps a completely new blog url for a good blog revamp, who knows :)

qualms

and the most agonizing part of watching someone leave is right before the crossover. yes, i've bid my goodbye to him - but just the thought of the next few days feeling gloomier by the moment as his flight date closes in brings me almost to tears at any given moment. i thought i wasn't his close friend, but really, i truly appreciate his presence, and am in so much gratitude for the countless of times i have managed to confide him when everyone else fell on deaf ears. maybe that's why my whole evening felt heavy, just waiting for him to leave, hoping that he is more happy about his leave than i can be, even if i tried. friends come and go, that remains a fact. facts however, do no negate the emotional burden that we must bear when this happens. and while i am trying my hardest to remain poised about the situation, it is but inevitable for me to admit defeat to the gravity of my loss. loss of a friend, and a brother in Christ. however, if God has set forth his path that he should leave Australia for good, then i can only hope that all is well with his future undertakings. for the plans of the Lord are greater than mine, and is good at every and any given moment of his life.

if i can ever ever ever ever ever emphasize this, appreciate your friends; every single one of them. look beyond their actions, and know that if they are truly your friends; they can only mean well.

encourage a friend who is discouraged, shut up and listen for once. if you're too busy for a friend, drop the load that you are carrying for a while and make a difference in your friend's life when he is in need.

as much as you must share the hardship of friendships; do not hold back from rejoicing together in cheer and laughter. your friendship deserves something you can smile about too.

for me, as much as i'd like to treasure my friendship nicely kept in where i feel safest and most comfortable in; it is only wise that i let my friend go because friends need to move forward and they can't if you hold them back.